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"California Dreams": Sylvester 'Sly' Winkle

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 08:05:39 +0000

It takes quite a plethora of smoothing talking and manipulating in order to manage a band, especially the biggest teenage band in all of California. It was truly unfortunate that Sly had to take so much grief from the attention-hungry group members, but no one remembers all the positive things he did. When Jenny, the lead pianist and vocalist, quit, he jumped in to rescue the group by replacing her with an Asian foreign exchange student who had the pipes resembling those of Paula Abdul, pre-American Idol. Also, it was Sly's managerial intuition that made him realize the band needed a lead guitarist, so he scouted out Jake Sommers, a bad-ass biker with a knack for winning over the ladies with his breath taking solos. His slickness with the ladies and love for motorcycles made me realize that he definitely was somehow related to Jesse Katsopolis. Everyone looked at Sly like some kind of parasite, who sucked the lives out of every person he came in contact with, but without him, 'California Dreams' would just be another band featured on VH1's "Behind the Music." He is the reason that the 'Dreams' sold out Paradise Cove (the equivalent to The Max in "Saved by the Bell") night after night. Sure the audience was made up of local town drunks and day workers looking for a place to grab a cerveza, but it was still a gig. If there was one person on the show to honor, Sly would be it. I don't think there is anyone else who could carry a group of lackluster, lip-sinking teeny boppers from a practice studio in a garage to the bright lights of a crappy surfer hangout. We salute you Sly Winkle, and truly miss your boyish charm.

Ten Best Teenage Breakups on Scripted TV

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 09:30:36 +0000

Teenage heartbreak has entertained us since Shakespeare introduced Romeo and Juliet. Below are the best teenage breakups on scripted television:

	Zack and Kelly Saved by the Bell Kelly dumped Zack during Bayside's Shakespearean-themed school dance after she found another Romeo. Close to tears, Zack whipped out his oversized cell phone and called Screech.
	Brenda and Dylan 90210 While Brenda was munching on some French guy's Baguette in Paris, Dylan and his sideburns were getting busy with Kelly in Beverly Hills. Mutual cheating = two seasons of finger pointing.
	Ryan and Marissa The OC This relationship hit the rocks when Marissa fell in love with a broke surfer named Johnny. Despite Ryan's devilish good looks and incessant sideways glances, he was unable to reclaim his lover.
	DJ and Steve Full House This relationship ended when Steve went to college to pursue a higher education/easy sorority chicks. Luckily, DJ had the Jesse and the Rippers box set to quell her emotions.

"Saved By the Bell": A.C. Slater

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 07:12:00 +0000

On the outside are his tight, light black jeans with elastic belt, his multi-colored tank tops, his curly mullet, and his athletic physique. His facial expressions show off his dimples and his dance moves are on par with those of MC Hammer. Nevertheless, his life has been filled with highs and lows and his time at Bayside is just another stop on his train ride through life. This is the trial and tribulations of Albert Clifford “AC” Slater. Before Bayside, A.C traveled around the world with his military father. He barely had enough time to make friends before he had to pick up his Reebok pumps and Bugle Boy clothes and move to a new destination. Once arriving at Bayside, he began to make friends with the rest of the crew, and took a special liking to Jessie “Big Bird” Spano. A.C. always felt like a failure to his dad, but shouldn’t have because of all his accomplishments like the time he beat Needik in the championship wrestling match, while simultaneously saving Screetch from getting his ass beat or when he intervened during Jessie’s addiction to sleeping pills. What about his miraculous drumming skills in “Zack Attack?” The list goes on. So what if he didn’t nail Kelly, he got Jessie, who probably had a kinky side herself. In the end, the only real feat he wanted to achieve was to please his father. Although he felt like he was a letdown, “preppy” and the rest of the gang were there to cheer him up and walk with him to the Bayside pep rally before their game against Valley.

Cooking with Merrill Howard Kalin

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 00:32:04 +0000

Move over Emeril, there's a new cook in town! Merrill Howard Kalin has his own cooking show on public access TV. Here is one of our favorite episodes: Wowie Kazowie!

Our Favorite TV G.I.L.Fs

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 08:58:11 +0000

Menopause couldn't stop these ladies. These are TV's most sex crazed older women.

	Mona Robinson Who's The Boss Before Tony showed up at the Robinson's doorstep, the only father figures little Jonathan had were the various men who emerged from Mona's guest house each morning.
	Estelle "Mother" Winslow Family Matters Although tempted by Waldo "Geraldo" Faldo's good looks, it was her "aged-to-perfection" lover, Fletcher, that really made her engine hum. Don't worry boys, she has a myspace.
	Blanche Devereaux Golden Girls Before there was Craigslist, there was Bingo Night - - Blanche could fit in a few "casual encounters" before her 7 o'clock bedtime.
	Sue Johanson Talk Sex Despite years of sexual exploration, Sue still yearns for the one experience she hasn't had - - a threesome with Dr. Phil and Roseanne.
	Estelle Costanza Seinfeld Once Kramer pulled the "stopping short" move, Estelle's sex drive shot through the roof. Pursuing that tickling in her diaper, she ditched her husband Frank, and went back on the prowl.

"24" - Rundown of Last Nights Episode

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 00:15:00 +0000

Here's a quick rundown of what happened on 24 last night:

President Palmer launched a fake nuclear air-strike, and aborted at the last minute…APRIL FOOLS!
Milo was angry at Nadia for giving him blue balls.
The President kept collapsing.
Tom Lennox kept sweating.
Fayed suffered the same fate as Saddam Hussein.
Morris polished his head with windex.
Audrey called Jack. She is still alive, but being held hostage by the ambassador from "Rush Hour."

"Pimp My Ride": The Usual Suspects

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 07:13:35 +0000

After watching a "Pimp My Ride" marathon this weekend, this list seemed necessary. Below are the 5 basic types of people who are "officially pimped" by Xzibit.

“The Virgin”

Type of Car: 1988 Daihatsu Hi-Jet

What He Wants in His Car
- An iBook computer
- An ironing board
- A leopard skin backseat (just in case).

Reaction to Xzibit Knocking on His Front Door: Embarrasses himself with a thuggish handshake. To make up for it, he impresses Xzibit with words from his emergency slang dictionary. He then yells into the house, “Mom I’m leaving - - No he’s not a drug dealer.”

What He Will Use the Car For:
To cruise for babes on Sunset Boulevard while blasting Milli Vanilli from his “off the chain” sound system.

“The Poser”

Type of Car: 1991 Isuzu Pick-Up

What He Wants in His Car
- A Nintendo Virtual Boy
- A stack of Hentai (Asian Cartoon Porn)
- A glow stick dispenser

Reaction to Xzibit Knocking on His Front Door: Covers his mouth with his left hand as he shouts “OHHHH” and “SNAP.” With his other hand, he flashes threatening gang signs.

What He Will Use the Car For:
To drive to gang meetings at his friend’s house. These usually end in a sweaty game of the original “Sonic the Hedgehog” on Sega Genesis.

A Night of Screen Surfing

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 04:30:15 +0000

After a night out and many drinks later, nothing could have looked as inviting as a couch in front of the TV, except for maybe Carmen Electra making me mac n’ cheese in the buff. What good shows could be on at 2:30 in the morning? The answer is…A LOT. So many options with so much time. This was a night purely dedicated to the art of channel surfing and I was not about to let this moment pass me by. First stop…"Full House" on the ABC Family Channel. In this episode, Steve (DJ’s boyfriend) is applying to colleges. At this point, DJ and Steve have been dating for what seems like eternity, but there has not been any clear-cut evidence that they have slept together. I have seen them kiss, but come on, any guy who has been dating a girl for that long expects sex to be an integral part of the relationship. If DJ wasn’t putting out, don’t you think Steve would have kicked her to the curb by now? Since the show was rated “G,” perhaps the episode about them having sex is a “deleted extra” only available on the DVD box set. In that case, I’ll buy five.

"I Love NY": A Disgrace to the Entire State

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 01:15:00 +0000

I completely understand why "I Love NY" is such a popular show: drama, sexual tension, and a free lesson on how to speak ebonics. What else could anyone ask for? “NY” (real name Tiffany Pollard) is a disgrace to the entire state that she calls home. She is hideous, but you can’t blame her completely, look at her gene pool. Her mother looks like Rupaul’s ugly twin sister. Factor in “NY’s” fake boobs and eyelashes, a foul mouth, and an overly dramatic persona, and you have a trashy black version of Janice Dickinson. I can’t be 100% sure, but I am almost positive I have seen “NY” in the porno movie “Big Bootie Bitches.”

The "Deal or No Deal" Craze

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 01:15:26 +0000

CNBC is a great channel for one reason…they show reruns of “guilty pleasure” programs, especially Deal or No Deal. I would venture to say that there is not one person in the United States who has not seen at least one episode. Ok, there may be a handful of individuals, most likely poor people who don’t own a TV, and have not experienced the beauty and genius of this show. I will sympathize with these non-viewers because it is assumed that they are trying to figure out how they will find the money to feed their family rather than about whether someone is going to win the million dollars.

IS IT REALLY TRUE? LAUREN IN A SEX TAPE?

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 00:43:00 +0000

I don't want to get my hopes up completely in case this is a false rumor because then I could easily fall into a deep depression and listen to Enya on repeat. Supposedly, as reported by several entertainment websites, Lauren, from The Hills and a grad of Laguna Beach, is featured in a sex tape with her ex-boyfriend/shit for brains, Jason Wahler. Although I have pity for Lauren because this must be humiliating for her, I personally can't express enough joy. The countdown begins until it's release.

The Humor Behind "Dateline NBC: How to Catch a Predator"

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 00:10:00 +0000

I was in bed flipping through the channels and landed on Dateline NBC’s “How to Catch a Predator With Chris Hansen” and although the topic is quite serious, I could not stop laughing at how ridiculous the conversations between Hansen and these perv's turned out I will now describe a typical scenario that would typically take place (but with a little embellishment here and there)

"The Hills": An Easily Forgettable Season Finale

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 00:30:00 +0000

It is 12:25 a.m. on Wednesday, and I have only now, two empty boxes of Kleenex and approximately two gallons of tears later, come to grips with my emotions regarding the dreadful season finale of The Hills. The whole week I was so excited to kick back on my couch and soak in thirty minutes of pure drama which I had prayed would include some sort of hair pulling, nail clawing, or make-up throwing to cap off another exciting season. What I got was an episode that was almost unbearable to watch and lacked any issues any typical good season finale would contain.

"The Hills": Spencer's One-Liner & My Hopes for the Season Finale

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 21:35:00 +0000

This show is beyond addictive. Who would not want to live in Los Angeles and be supported by their parents, with the hardest decisions they have to make being what club they are going to go to that night and what they are going to wear. None of the characters are impoverished…Ok, let’s be honest, they are rich, or perhaps just come across that way and lack intelligence in any sense of the word. The only people on the show who seem to have any “real” class are Lauren and her Teen Vogue intern/friend Whitney. The others (Audrina, Jen, and Heidi) have no talent and, really the only thing going for them is their looks. You can tell that they are high maintenance and gossip more than a table of old women playing mahjong in Boca.

The Beginning of a New Revolution

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 17:33:00 +0000

Welcome to ScreenThug.com, a new web blog that will be completely different from all the other sites out there in cyberspace. Screenthug.com is the beginning of a new revolution because here, I discuss, ridicule, and lambast all those TV shows that are so bad that they are actually good (you know...the shows people won't admit they watch but do so religiously). In addition, I also incorporate my thoughts on movies as well as other websites. You may be thinking "what makes this blog different from all the others?" The answer is simple. At ScreenThug.com, the shows I discuss are not really popular blog subjects (ie. Date My Mom, The Hills, The Girls Next Door, Dateline w/ Chris Hansen etc). The only time a primetime popular show will be discussed is when I deem it necessary to hand out a tongue lashing or point out particular flaws that I feel cannot go unmentioned. Here at ScreenThug.com, our readers are most important. Sure I write about these shows because I think they are hilariously awful but, at the same time, I can't help but watch any time they are on TV. The producers of these programs must be doing something right in capturing a huge audience, but I feel it is my duty to actually say what everyone else is thinking and that is exactly what I am here to do. I hope everyone enjoys what they read here at screenthug.com and feel free to leave any comments or feedback you may have about any of the particular blogs or about the site in general. Thanks for your support and enjoy.

ScreenThug.Com

"California Dreams": Sylvester 'Sly' Winkle

Ten Best Teenage Breakups on Scripted TV

Zack and Kelly

Brenda and Dylan

Ryan and Marissa

DJ and Steve

"Saved By the Bell": A.C. Slater

Cooking with Merrill Howard Kalin

Our Favorite TV G.I.L.Fs

Mona Robinson

Who's The Boss

Estelle "Mother" Winslow

Family Matters

Blanche Devereaux

Golden Girls

Sue Johanson

Talk Sex

Estelle Costanza

Seinfeld