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"California Dreams": Sylvester 'Sly' Winkle

2007-04-22T08:05:39Z

It takes quite a plethora of smoothing talking and manipulating in order to manage a band, especially the biggest teenage band in all of California. It was truly unfortunate that Sly had to take so much grief from the attention-hungry group members, but no one remembers all the positive things he did. When Jenny, the lead pianist and vocalist, quit, he jumped in to rescue the group by replacing her with an Asian foreign exchange student who had the pipes resembling those of Paula Abdul, pre-American Idol. Also, it was Sly's managerial intuition that made him realize the band needed a lead guitarist, so he scouted out Jake Sommers, a bad-ass biker with a knack for winning over the ladies with his breath taking solos. His slickness with the ladies and love for motorcycles made me realize that he definitely was somehow related to Jesse Katsopolis. Everyone looked at Sly like some kind of parasite, who sucked the lives out of every person he came in contact with, but without him, 'California Dreams' would just be another band featured on VH1's "Behind the Music." He is the reason that the 'Dreams' sold out Paradise Cove (the equivalent to The Max in "Saved by the Bell") night after night. Sure the audience was made up of local town drunks and day workers looking for a place to grab a cerveza, but it was still a gig. If there was one person on the show to honor, Sly would be it. I don't think there is anyone else who could carry a group of lackluster, lip-sinking teeny boppers from a practice studio in a garage to the bright lights of a crappy surfer hangout. We salute you Sly Winkle, and truly miss your boyish charm.

Ten Best Teenage Breakups on Scripted TV

2007-04-19T09:30:36Z

Teenage heartbreak has entertained us since Shakespeare introduced Romeo and Juliet. Below are the best teenage breakups on scripted television:

	Zack and Kelly Saved by the Bell Kelly dumped Zack during Bayside's Shakespearean-themed school dance after she found another Romeo. Close to tears, Zack whipped out his oversized cell phone and called Screech.
	Brenda and Dylan 90210 While Brenda was munching on some French guy's Baguette in Paris, Dylan and his sideburns were getting busy with Kelly in Beverly Hills. Mutual cheating = two seasons of finger pointing.
	Ryan and Marissa The OC This relationship hit the rocks when Marissa fell in love with a broke surfer named Johnny. Despite Ryan's devilish good looks and incessant sideways glances, he was unable to reclaim his lover.
	DJ and Steve Full House This relationship ended when Steve went to college to pursue a higher education/easy sorority chicks. Luckily, DJ had the Jesse and the Rippers box set to quell her emotions.

]]> Laura and Stefan
Family Matters
This star-crossed romance came to a dramatic end when Stefan Urkelle returned to his transformation chamber and turned back into Steve. Little did Laura know, Steve and Stefan had something in common - - Jaleel White. Shawn and Angela
Boy Meets World
This interracial relationship came to an abrupt end when Angela's family moved out of town. Shawn spent the rest of the season crying in Cory's treehouse.

Vinnie and Blossom
Blossom
This relationship was pure, until Blossom found out Vinnie wasn't a virgin. She quickly moved on, and found a guy that reminded her of her brother Joey. WHOA!

Dawson and Joey
Dawson's Creek
These small-town lovers fell apart when Pacey admitted his love for Joey. Infuriated, Dawson expressed his emotions by making an artistic film full of metaphors that no one understood.

Angela and Jordan Cantalano
My So Called Life
Despite Angela's obsession with Jordan, she ended the relationship once the blue-eyed hunk cheated on her. He must have been preparing for those 30 Seconds to Mars groupies.

Kevin and Winnie
Wonder Years
All was swell until puberty hit the young couple. Kevin coped with the break up by riding his bike with Paul. Winnie coped by nailing the football team.

"Saved By the Bell": A.C. Slater

2007-04-14T07:12:00Z

On the outside are his tight, light black jeans with elastic belt, his multi-colored tank tops, his curly mullet, and his athletic physique. His facial expressions show off his dimples and his dance moves are on par with those of MC Hammer. Nevertheless, his life has been filled with highs and lows and his time at Bayside is just another stop on his train ride through life. This is the trial and tribulations of Albert Clifford “AC” Slater. Before Bayside, A.C traveled around the world with his military father. He barely had enough time to make friends before he had to pick up his Reebok pumps and Bugle Boy clothes and move to a new destination. Once arriving at Bayside, he began to make friends with the rest of the crew, and took a special liking to Jessie “Big Bird” Spano. A.C. always felt like a failure to his dad, but shouldn’t have because of all his accomplishments like the time he beat Needik in the championship wrestling match, while simultaneously saving Screetch from getting his ass beat or when he intervened during Jessie’s addiction to sleeping pills. What about his miraculous drumming skills in “Zack Attack?” The list goes on. So what if he didn’t nail Kelly, he got Jessie, who probably had a kinky side herself. In the end, the only real feat he wanted to achieve was to please his father. Although he felt like he was a letdown, “preppy” and the rest of the gang were there to cheer him up and walk with him to the Bayside pep rally before their game against Valley.

Cooking with Merrill Howard Kalin

2007-04-13T00:32:04Z

Move over Emeril, there's a new cook in town! Merrill Howard Kalin has his own cooking show on public access TV. Here is one of our favorite episodes: Wowie Kazowie! ]]>

Our Favorite TV G.I.L.Fs

2007-04-11T08:58:11Z

Menopause couldn't stop these ladies. These are TV's most sex crazed older women.

	Mona Robinson Who's The Boss Before Tony showed up at the Robinson's doorstep, the only father figures little Jonathan had were the various men who emerged from Mona's guest house each morning.
	Estelle "Mother" Winslow Family Matters Although tempted by Waldo "Geraldo" Faldo's good looks, it was her "aged-to-perfection" lover, Fletcher, that really made her engine hum. Don't worry boys, she has a myspace.
	Blanche Devereaux Golden Girls Before there was Craigslist, there was Bingo Night - - Blanche could fit in a few "casual encounters" before her 7 o'clock bedtime.
	Sue Johanson Talk Sex Despite years of sexual exploration, Sue still yearns for the one experience she hasn't had - - a threesome with Dr. Phil and Roseanne.
	Estelle Costanza Seinfeld Once Kramer pulled the "stopping short" move, Estelle's sex drive shot through the roof. Pursuing that tickling in her diaper, she ditched her husband Frank, and went back on the prowl.

"24" - Rundown of Last Nights Episode

2007-04-10T00:15:00Z

Here's a quick rundown of what happened on 24 last night:

President Palmer launched a fake nuclear air-strike, and aborted at the last minute…APRIL FOOLS!
Milo was angry at Nadia for giving him blue balls.
The President kept collapsing.
Tom Lennox kept sweating.
Fayed suffered the same fate as Saddam Hussein.
Morris polished his head with windex.
Audrey called Jack. She is still alive, but being held hostage by the ambassador from "Rush Hour."

"Pimp My Ride": The Usual Suspects

2007-04-09T07:13:35Z

After watching a "Pimp My Ride" marathon this weekend, this list seemed necessary. Below are the 5 basic types of people who are "officially pimped" by Xzibit.

“The Virgin”

Type of Car: 1988 Daihatsu Hi-Jet

What He Wants in His Car
- An iBook computer
- An ironing board
- A leopard skin backseat (just in case).

Reaction to Xzibit Knocking on His Front Door: Embarrasses himself with a thuggish handshake. To make up for it, he impresses Xzibit with words from his emergency slang dictionary. He then yells into the house, “Mom I’m leaving - - No he’s not a drug dealer.”

What He Will Use the Car For:
To cruise for babes on Sunset Boulevard while blasting Milli Vanilli from his “off the chain” sound system.

“The Poser”

Type of Car: 1991 Isuzu Pick-Up

What He Wants in His Car
- A Nintendo Virtual Boy
- A stack of Hentai (Asian Cartoon Porn)
- A glow stick dispenser

Reaction to Xzibit Knocking on His Front Door: Covers his mouth with his left hand as he shouts “OHHHH” and “SNAP.” With his other hand, he flashes threatening gang signs.

What He Will Use the Car For:
To drive to gang meetings at his friend’s house. These usually end in a sweaty game of the original “Sonic the Hedgehog” on Sega Genesis. ]]>

“The Fat Guy”

Type of Car: 1984 Cadillac El Dorado

What He Wants in His Car
- A deep fryer

Reaction to Xzibit Knocking on His Front Door:
Rips off his shirt, revealing an abundance of fat rolls and stretch marks on his stomach. Proceeds to shock Xzibit with a dance rampage that ends with his disturbing rendition of “the worm” across the front lawn.

What He Will Use the Car For:
To open a hamburger stand out of the trunk of his car. This business will quickly fail after he eats all his inventory.

“The Mall Rat”

Type of Car: 1990 Toyota Celica

What She Wants in Her Car
- Mirrors on the windshield
- A “bake it yourself” Barbie oven
- A walk-in closet

Reaction to Xzibit Knocking on Her Front Door:
“Why is there a black man on my porch….DAD, CALL THE COPS!”

What She Will Use the Car For:
Duhhhh…to go to the mall.

“The Clueless Guy”

Type of Car 1977 Chevy Malibu

What He Wants in His Car:
- A 20’’ Monitor for Reading Rainbow reruns
- Legos
- Copy of Good Night Moon

Reaction to Xzibit Knocking on His Front Door:
Confused, he looks at the camera crew. “Are you going to bring my car back?”

What He Will Use the Car For:
Shelter, since he gets locked out of his house every night.

A Night of Screen Surfing

2007-04-08T04:30:15Z

After a night out and many drinks later, nothing could have looked as inviting as a couch in front of the TV, except for maybe Carmen Electra making me mac n’ cheese in the buff. What good shows could be on at 2:30 in the morning? The answer is…A LOT. So many options with so much time. This was a night purely dedicated to the art of channel surfing and I was not about to let this moment pass me by. First stop…"Full House" on the ABC Family Channel. In this episode, Steve (DJ’s boyfriend) is applying to colleges. At this point, DJ and Steve have been dating for what seems like eternity, but there has not been any clear-cut evidence that they have slept together. I have seen them kiss, but come on, any guy who has been dating a girl for that long expects sex to be an integral part of the relationship. If DJ wasn’t putting out, don’t you think Steve would have kicked her to the curb by now? Since the show was rated “G,” perhaps the episode about them having sex is a “deleted extra” only available on the DVD box set. In that case, I’ll buy five. ]]>

"I Love NY": A Disgrace to the Entire State

2007-04-07T01:15:00Z

I was just watching the second to last episode of the season, and so many parts cracked me up. First, the three remaining guys were so similar in their apearances: baggy jeans that are pulled down to their knees, overly large shirts, fake chain necklaces, doo-rags, and fitted baseball caps dangling from the side of their heads. I really wish there was more of a variety of contestants on the show. If the producers added a Jewish accountant wearing khakis and a v-neck sweater or an Indian mechanical engineer speaking broken English to the line-up of guys, the season finale might have ended differently. Instead, I am stuck trying to decipher any real words from the dialogue’s besides “dogg,” “bro,” “aw hell no,” and “showty.” “NY” is an overly dramatic, ghetto, hoochy. She is literally a walking STD. You can’t go more than two minutes at a time without seeing her sucking face with one of the guys. I will go out on a limb here and assume that she was slutty before her days on VH1. There is even a rumor going around that, in high school, she was given the nickname “D-Breath,” as in D-I-C-K Breath. Not surprising at all. The woman is dirtier than a Tibetan prostitute. Another part that is humorous is the way the guys express their emotions. Either they are yelling at each other “f—ck you, you dumb mutha f—cka, I’ll cut you” or weeping into each others arms, tears rolling down their cheeks, like they just lost one of their homies in a drive-by. I don’t know what I am more excited about…that this season of "I Love NY" is over or that there is a new show on TLC called "Shalom in the Home." LECHAIM!

The "Deal or No Deal" Craze

2007-04-06T01:15:26Z

CNBC is a great channel for one reason…they show reruns of “guilty pleasure” programs, especially Deal or No Deal. I would venture to say that there is not one person in the United States who has not seen at least one episode. Ok, there may be a handful of individuals, most likely poor people who don’t own a TV, and have not experienced the beauty and genius of this show. I will sympathize with these non-viewers because it is assumed that they are trying to figure out how they will find the money to feed their family rather than about whether someone is going to win the million dollars. ]]> Check it out.

IS IT REALLY TRUE? LAUREN IN A SEX TAPE?

2007-04-06T00:43:00Z

I don't want to get my hopes up completely in case this is a false rumor because then I could easily fall into a deep depression and listen to Enya on repeat. Supposedly, as reported by several entertainment websites, Lauren, from The Hills and a grad of Laguna Beach, is featured in a sex tape with her ex-boyfriend/shit for brains, Jason Wahler. Although I have pity for Lauren because this must be humiliating for her, I personally can't express enough joy. The countdown begins until it's release.

The Humor Behind "Dateline NBC: How to Catch a Predator"

2007-04-05T00:10:00Z

I was in bed flipping through the channels and landed on Dateline NBC’s “How to Catch a Predator With Chris Hansen” and although the topic is quite serious, I could not stop laughing at how ridiculous the conversations between Hansen and these perv's turned out I will now describe a typical scenario that would typically take place (but with a little embellishment here and there) ]]>

"The Hills": An Easily Forgettable Season Finale

2007-04-04T00:30:00Z

It is 12:25 a.m. on Wednesday, and I have only now, two empty boxes of Kleenex and approximately two gallons of tears later, come to grips with my emotions regarding the dreadful season finale of The Hills. The whole week I was so excited to kick back on my couch and soak in thirty minutes of pure drama which I had prayed would include some sort of hair pulling, nail clawing, or make-up throwing to cap off another exciting season. What I got was an episode that was almost unbearable to watch and lacked any issues any typical good season finale would contain. ]]>

"The Hills": Spencer's One-Liner & My Hopes for the Season Finale

2007-04-03T21:35:00Z

This show is beyond addictive. Who would not want to live in Los Angeles and be supported by their parents, with the hardest decisions they have to make being what club they are going to go to that night and what they are going to wear. None of the characters are impoverished…Ok, let’s be honest, they are rich, or perhaps just come across that way and lack intelligence in any sense of the word. The only people on the show who seem to have any “real” class are Lauren and her Teen Vogue intern/friend Whitney. The others (Audrina, Jen, and Heidi) have no talent and, really the only thing going for them is their looks. You can tell that they are high maintenance and gossip more than a table of old women playing mahjong in Boca. ]]> Heidi is in Spencer’s car in the alleyway outside of Bolthouse. Spencer is frustrated that Heidi hasn’t agreed to move in with him and wants an answer. Spencer uses the “I want to move our relationship to the next level” line to pressure Heidi and persuade her decision. Heidi: “I’m sorry Spencer, I’m going to have to say no.” Spencer: “Well then I’m going to have to say get out of my car.” Heidi gets out and Spencer peels out of the parking lot. I don’t know what was better; Spencer’s comment or the look Heidi gave him after he said it. At that moment, I viewed Spencer as my idol not as a scum bag but I am sure that I will go back to loathing him next episode. I hope in the season finale, one, a few, or all of the following occurs: 1) A cat fight between Lauren & Heidi ends with Lauren giving Heidi swirlies in the bathroom, each time dunking her head saying, “This is for letting Jen kiss Brody,” and “This is for dating Spencer who is a deuche bag,” and “This is for leaving your used pregnancy test in the sink.” 2) Lauren and Spencer get into a verbal altercation which ends with Spencer bitch slapping Lauren. As Spencer walks away, Lauren’s ex from Laguna, Stephen Colletti, comes out of nowhere on his Huffy bicycle and cracks Spencer over the head with his longboard. 3) Whitney gets the job working for Teen Vogue in NYC, pushing Emily (the overachieving brown-nose NY intern) over the edge. Emily is arrested for stalking Whitney and when her apartment is raided, the police find the walls covered with baby pictures of Whitney and the phrase “Laces Out!" written all over in red lipstick. 4) Audrina accepts a job she thinks is for a small role in a movie and is excited for her big break into show business. However, once she goes to the set, she realizes she will be acting in an amateur porno movie entitled “In and Out in Beverly Hills.” Although hesitant at first, Audrina realizes this could be good publicity for her and assumed that if she didn’t tell anyone about this, no one would find out. Unfortunately, her father was an avid customer of X-Flix, the Net-Flix of porn, and, after reading the synposis of the film, added the movie to his “most requested” list. I can’t wait any longer and now going to watch the season finale, which again I must thank Mr. Tivo for recording. Let’s just hope that at least one of the four scenarios mentioned above actually happens…that would make me a fan of the show for life, guaranteed.

The Beginning of a New Revolution

2007-04-03T17:33:00Z

Welcome to ScreenThug.com, a new web blog that will be completely different from all the other sites out there in cyberspace. Screenthug.com is the beginning of a new revolution because here, I discuss, ridicule, and lambast all those TV shows that are so bad that they are actually good (you know...the shows people won't admit they watch but do so religiously). In addition, I also incorporate my thoughts on movies as well as other websites. You may be thinking "what makes this blog different from all the others?" The answer is simple. At ScreenThug.com, the shows I discuss are not really popular blog subjects (ie. Date My Mom, The Hills, The Girls Next Door, Dateline w/ Chris Hansen etc). The only time a primetime popular show will be discussed is when I deem it necessary to hand out a tongue lashing or point out particular flaws that I feel cannot go unmentioned. Here at ScreenThug.com, our readers are most important. Sure I write about these shows because I think they are hilariously awful but, at the same time, I can't help but watch any time they are on TV. The producers of these programs must be doing something right in capturing a huge audience, but I feel it is my duty to actually say what everyone else is thinking and that is exactly what I am here to do. I hope everyone enjoys what they read here at screenthug.com and feel free to leave any comments or feedback you may have about any of the particular blogs or about the site in general. Thanks for your support and enjoy.

ScreenThug.Com

"California Dreams": Sylvester 'Sly' Winkle

Ten Best Teenage Breakups on Scripted TV

Zack and Kelly

Brenda and Dylan

Ryan and Marissa

DJ and Steve

Laura and Stefan

Shawn and Angela

Vinnie and Blossom

Dawson and Joey

Angela and Jordan Cantalano

Kevin and Winnie

"Saved By the Bell": A.C. Slater

Cooking with Merrill Howard Kalin

Our Favorite TV G.I.L.Fs

Mona Robinson

Who's The Boss

Estelle "Mother" Winslow

Family Matters

Blanche Devereaux

Golden Girls

Sue Johanson

Talk Sex

Estelle Costanza

Seinfeld