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The Humor Behind "Dateline NBC: How to Catch a Predator"

I was in bed flipping through the channels and landed on Dateline NBC’s “How to Catch a Predator With Chris Hansen” and although the topic is quite serious, I could not stop laughing at how ridiculous the conversations between Hansen and these perv's turned out

I will now describe a typical scenario that would typically take place (but with a little embellishment here and there)


After getting out of his 1985 Ford Ranger pickup, the man who goes by the screen name “Iluvunderagegals69” enters the side door of the house. As he walks in, he strips his clothes off and sits at the kitchen table naked as the girl who he assumes is his soon-to-be sex partner yells from the backroom “I’ll be right there.” Suddenly, from the shadows emerges Chris Hansen.

CH: You must be Tye, I am Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC and I am
doing a report on sex predators.

Tye: I swear I am not a sex predator, I only am here to make sure that
she [his online love interest] is safe. I had no plans to do anything
sexual with her.

CH: Well if you didn’t plan on having sex with her, then how come you
are naked at the kitchen table and holding a box of “for her
pleasure” condoms in your hand

Tye: Oh, I swear it isn’t what it looks like. I wasn’t planning on using
them or anything, I swear. I…uh…went to the store looking for
balloons to make her balloon animals but they had none in stock so
I thought condoms would be a good second option.

CH: Well then how come in your online chat you said, and I quote “I
want to lick chocolate syrup off of your stomach while listening
to “Nobody Has to Know” by R. Kelly. You also said in your chat,
and I quote “There is something about a girl who is almost old
enough to get her drivers' learners permit that is such a turn on.”

At this point, the man known as Tye and goes by the screen "Iluvunderagegals69” knows he has been caught red handed and realizes he must come clean.

Tye: Alright, I have a problem, I need help, I am sorry, I have a
sickness. May I leave please?
CH: You can leave whenever you want.

The problem for Tye now exists outside of the house, where numerous police officers are waiting to jump him and give him a present day Rodney King beating. In my opinion Tye had two options he could have considered prior to getting up and walking outside to his awaiting ass whooping. The following scenarios take into consideration the fact that this particular individual knew who Chris Hansen was and had heard about the show.

1) Tye (as well as any other pedophile on the show) should have
just made small talk with Chris Hansen about anything
whatsoever. Some examples could be, “So Chris, what is your
view on our current situation in Iraq” or "Who do you think is
the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby” or even perhaps “Please
list, in order, your all time favorite cast members from any of
the Real World seasons.” This could take quite some time to
answer and would prolong the inevitable lashing by the popo.

2) Hold Chris hostage in the house using any object that is
reachable. Sure, the perp will most definitely get caught and
receive an even worse thrashing but look at the bright side, he
will have made it onto the news and, who knows, maybe down
the road will get an offer to write a memoir. Who am I kidding?
The guy will go to jail and, within the first day, will be beaten within inches of his life by inmates who loath “kid touchers.” He will spend the rest of his days as a vegetable in a wheel chair
sucking liquid food through a straw.

Despite the two options mentioned above, Tye nor any other pedophile apprehended on “Dateline: How to Catch a Predator” will be saved from total humiliation. Millions of viewers now know they are sick pathetic individuals. On a positive note, it is never out of the realm of possibility that somewhere there is a woman (who is of legal age) that is willing to have sympathy sex with any of these perverts…that is if they get out of jail. Realistically, the most action these perps are going to get is a cold police baton shoved up their pie-holes.

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Posted on April 5, 2007 12:10 AM |

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