It takes quite a plethora of smoothing talking and manipulating in order to manage a band, especially the biggest teenage band in all of California. It was truly unfortunate that Sly had to take so much grief from the attention-hungry group members, but no one remembers all the positive things he did. When Jenny, the lead pianist and vocalist, quit, he jumped in to rescue the group by replacing her with an Asian foreign exchange student who had the pipes resembling those of Paula Abdul, pre-American Idol. Also, it was Sly's managerial intuition that made him realize the band needed a lead guitarist, so he scouted out Jake Sommers, a bad-ass biker with a knack for winning over the ladies with his breath taking solos. His slickness with the ladies and love for motorcycles made me realize that he definitely was somehow related to Jesse Katsopolis. Everyone looked at Sly like some kind of parasite, who sucked the lives out of every person he came in contact with, but without him, 'California Dreams' would just be another band featured on VH1's "Behind the Music."

He is the reason that the 'Dreams' sold out Paradise Cove (the equivalent to The Max in "Saved by the Bell") night after night. Sure the audience was made up of local town drunks and day workers looking for a place to grab a cerveza, but it was still a gig. If there was one person on the show to honor, Sly would be it. I don't think there is anyone else who could carry a group of lackluster, lip-sinking teeny boppers from a practice studio in a garage to the bright lights of a crappy surfer hangout. We salute you Sly Winkle, and truly miss your boyish charm.

Teenage heartbreak has entertained us since Shakespeare introduced Romeo and Juliet. Below are the best teenage breakups on scripted television:

	Zack and Kelly Saved by the Bell Kelly dumped Zack during Bayside's Shakespearean-themed school dance after she found another Romeo. Close to tears, Zack whipped out his oversized cell phone and called Screech.
	Brenda and Dylan 90210 While Brenda was munching on some French guy's Baguette in Paris, Dylan and his sideburns were getting busy with Kelly in Beverly Hills. Mutual cheating = two seasons of finger pointing.
	Ryan and Marissa The OC This relationship hit the rocks when Marissa fell in love with a broke surfer named Johnny. Despite Ryan's devilish good looks and incessant sideways glances, he was unable to reclaim his lover.
	DJ and Steve Full House This relationship ended when Steve went to college to pursue a higher education/easy sorority chicks. Luckily, DJ had the Jesse and the Rippers box set to quell her emotions.

Continue reading "Ten Best Teenage Breakups on Scripted TV" »

On the outside are his tight, light black jeans with elastic belt, his multi-colored tank tops, his curly mullet, and his athletic physique. His facial expressions show off his dimples and his dance moves are on par with those of MC Hammer. Nevertheless, his life has been filled with highs and lows and his time at Bayside is just another stop on his train ride through life. This is the trial and tribulations of Albert Clifford “AC” Slater.

Before Bayside, A.C traveled around the world with his military father. He barely had enough time to make friends before he had to pick up his Reebok pumps and Bugle Boy clothes and move to a new destination. Once arriving at Bayside, he began to make friends with the rest of the crew, and took a special liking to Jessie “Big Bird” Spano. A.C. always felt like a failure to his dad, but shouldn’t have because of all his accomplishments like the time he beat Needik in the championship wrestling match, while simultaneously saving Screetch from getting his ass beat or when he intervened during Jessie’s addiction to sleeping pills. What about his miraculous drumming skills in “Zack Attack?” The list goes on. So what if he didn’t nail Kelly, he got Jessie, who probably had a kinky side herself. In the end, the only real feat he wanted to achieve was to please his father. Although he felt like he was a letdown, “preppy” and the rest of the gang were there to cheer him up and walk with him to the Bayside pep rally before their game against Valley.

Move over Emeril, there's a new cook in town! Merrill Howard Kalin has his own cooking show on public access TV. Here is one of our favorite episodes:

Wowie Kazowie!

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Menopause couldn't stop these ladies. These are TV's most sex crazed older women.

	Mona Robinson Who's The Boss Before Tony showed up at the Robinson's doorstep, the only father figures little Jonathan had were the various men who emerged from Mona's guest house each morning.
	Estelle "Mother" Winslow Family Matters Although tempted by Waldo "Geraldo" Faldo's good looks, it was her "aged-to-perfection" lover, Fletcher, that really made her engine hum. Don't worry boys, she has a myspace.
	Blanche Devereaux Golden Girls Before there was Craigslist, there was Bingo Night - - Blanche could fit in a few "casual encounters" before her 7 o'clock bedtime.
	Sue Johanson Talk Sex Despite years of sexual exploration, Sue still yearns for the one experience she hasn't had - - a threesome with Dr. Phil and Roseanne.
	Estelle Costanza Seinfeld Once Kramer pulled the "stopping short" move, Estelle's sex drive shot through the roof. Pursuing that tickling in her diaper, she ditched her husband Frank, and went back on the prowl.

Here's a quick rundown of what happened on 24 last night:

• President Palmer launched a fake nuclear air-strike, and aborted at the last minute…APRIL FOOLS!
• Milo was angry at Nadia for giving him blue balls.
• The President kept collapsing.
• Tom Lennox kept sweating.
• Fayed suffered the same fate as Saddam Hussein.
• Morris polished his head with windex.
• Audrey called Jack. She is still alive, but being held hostage by the ambassador from "Rush Hour."

After watching a "Pimp My Ride" marathon this weekend, this list seemed necessary. Below are the 5 basic types of people who are "officially pimped" by Xzibit.

“The Virgin” Type of Car: 1988 Daihatsu Hi-Jet What He Wants in His Car - An iBook computer - An ironing board - A leopard skin backseat (just in case).

Reaction to Xzibit Knocking on His Front Door: Embarrasses himself with a thuggish handshake. To make up for it, he impresses Xzibit with words from his emergency slang dictionary. He then yells into the house, “Mom I’m leaving - - No he’s not a drug dealer.”

What He Will Use the Car For:
To cruise for babes on Sunset Boulevard while blasting Milli Vanilli from his “off the chain” sound system.

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“The Poser” Type of Car: 1991 Isuzu Pick-Up What He Wants in His Car - A Nintendo Virtual Boy - A stack of Hentai (Asian Cartoon Porn) - A glow stick dispenser

Reaction to Xzibit Knocking on His Front Door: Covers his mouth with his left hand as he shouts “OHHHH” and “SNAP.” With his other hand, he flashes threatening gang signs.

What He Will Use the Car For:
To drive to gang meetings at his friend’s house. These usually end in a sweaty game of the original “Sonic the Hedgehog” on Sega Genesis.

Continue reading ""Pimp My Ride": The Usual Suspects" »